Author's Notes: The fic speaks for itself. All mistakes are on purpose.

Planet Epithet - A Speshul Fic

By Gategrrl (Apr. 2005)
"The valiant, intrepid explorers stepped out of the wavy blue event horizon and onto the hot dry planet, said the young archaeologist." Daniel stopped speaking and dusted his boonie off in embarrassment. He coughed. "The blue-eyed blond astrophysicist shot an inquiring look at her square jawed Colonel." Carter's hand smacked over her mouth. Her skin turned bright red. Jack glanced at Carter and Daniel and zipped his mouth shut with a childhood gesture. Then he threw away the key. He pointed to Carter and lifted his shoulders in question. She shook her head rapidly, hand still covering her mouth. "Speak! Ordered the older man to the blond scientist," roared Jack. His eyes flashed at her enormous blue ones. "I advise the beautiful warrior woman to explain why the intrepid explorers of the Tau'ri are speaking like ---" "Badly written fiction? interrupted the young archeologist. Shit," Daniel blurted out. Teal'c gave Daniel a nod. "Yes, said the stoic Jaffa warrior." He rolled his eyes upward and sighed. "The gray haired Colonel asks the younger man WHY we're talking like this?" Jack's brown eyes widened until the other three thought they might pop out of their sockets. He cocked his P-90 on. "Why am I always young, complained the blue-eyed linguist." Daniel's lips pursed. "I'm damn near the same age as the older man was when we STARTED going through the Stargate." Jack shrugged and delicately coughed into his hand. "Sir, there's a delegation of scantily clad natives approaching the best team in the SGC. At three o'clock." Carter blushed and swore under her breath. "Ya think? muttered the silver haired foxy older man." Jack glared into the air. "And why am I always the 'older man' for cryin' out loud? T's got sixty-five years on me! Compared to him, I'm a whippersnapper. Jeez." The delegation of natives - short, dark-skinned, and with broad noses, approached. One of them stepped forward. A few others, dressed in matching loincloths, raised short spears with atlatls on them. The leader began speaking. A few minutes later she stopped, and an expectant mood filled the air. "Well, young linguist?" said Jack. Daniel's eyes shot daggers at him. He smiled back. "I think these scantily clad natives (Daniel glanced at Sam, shooting arrows at her as she hid giggles behind her hand, which was firmly latched onto her face) are descended from Australian Aborigines," said Daniel. "I don't know their language." "They are between us and the DHD said the burly exFirst Prime of Apophis." Teal'c looked ready to bite his staff weapon in half. Jack sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "They want us to follow them, stalwart leader," Daniel said with a snarky edge. "But hold on. Let me try something." Daniel spoke as they started walking. Walking was a good choice, since the spear holders were close enough to poke them. Jack recognized the language the young linguist tried next. It was Goa'uld. The natives recognized it too. They exchanged surprised glances and stepped up the pace until everyone was jogging at a steady clip. An hour later they took a break, then off everyone went again. Even Teal'c showed signs of fatigue. The natives touched SG-1 - the valiant explorers of the Tau'ri - on the arms and pointed inside a large adobe-stlye structure covered with colorful artwork. "Wow, amazing, said the wide eyed anthropologist." "How many PhDs do you have YOUNG scholar?" said Jack. "More than the IQ points you display when overcome with cosmic giddiness, gray haired Colonel," groused Carter. "As long as I'm not pinned to the wall with doe eyes of doom, lovelorn Major," snapped Jack. "Don't think I haven't noticed." Carter growled.
The intrepid explorers were pushed into the entrance. A large out of place door slammed down behind them. "Dark as night in here, observed the irritated Major." The intrepid team of Tau'ri (and their Jaffa mascot) stumbled down the long corridor. It sloped upward and twisted this way and that. Then, a light flicked on.

"Ow!" Yelled Daniel, as he ran into a sudden curve in the wall.

"Did the clumsy archeologist bang his nose?" smirked Jack.

"Am not clumsy, dammit," said Daniel. "But I could say you are the putzy older man. How does that grab you?"

"Not going near that one, not touching it, oh no." Jack's chocolate brown eyes shone like nighttime beacons in the light of his flashlight. "Any ideas, brilliant multi PhD soft scientist?"

"The brilliant multi PhD soft scientist is not familiar with Australian Aboriginal culture in any deep detail, giddy Colonel. But --" He found his light and flicked it on.

"Wow," said Sam. "That's a lot of snakes on the walls, out-of-the-box thinker." Her mouth snapped shut.

"Out-of-the-box? Is that not a children's program on the Disney Channel, peevish astrophysicist?"

Carter scowled at Teal'c.

Jack, then Daniel, then Sam, and lastly Teal'c, filed into a room lit from above by open skylights.

"Sooo typical of the glam Goa'uld," said Jack, turning around to see the room in full. He was almost used to speaking in epithets. Now he had the hang of it, he was starting to enjoy it.

It was a huge room, sarcophagus front and center, like a TV set in a living room. Lots of color in typical snake fashion, only adapted to the rougher conditions of this dry planet. Off to the right was a chair. Woven matt rugs.

"O"Neill, my fearless leader," said Teal'c, a smirk flashing across his face. "I have not seen this style of sarcophagus before."

"You're right, tall dark and handsome Jaffa," said Sam. She ducked her head and dove to the floor on the other side of the ornate machine.

Daniel was busy checking out the walls, which were covered with figures and animals. He was standing close to a thick reed curtain when it flung open. He jumped back.

A creature of indeterminate sex, smaller than the natives outside, hobbled through, leaning on an elaborately carved stick. The best team in the SGC stared as it creeped across the room, finally parking itself on the chair, which Jack could only think of as a Super Laz-E-Boy chair, complete with automatic footrest. Shriveled feet swung up into the air, bony toes flexed. A huge sigh of contentment issued forth from the creature when the chair began vibrating. It rested the carved stick across its lap. For all the world it looked like a Yoda.

SG-1 exchanged bewildered glances.

"You're the first contact specialist," said Jack. "Make contact, impulsive archeologist." He pushed Daniel forward.

"You're the fearless leader, older man."

"It's got the curly hair, blue-robed Daniel. What are you waiting for?" snarked Jack.

The creature stomped the stick on the ground, making them all jump. Carter flew up from behind the sarcophagus, blue eyes wide, P-90 at the ready.

"You! Tall one with the bulging muscles and Apophis' mark on your head (which should be bald). Rub my feet!" Again, bony toes flexed. Teal'c stared, and a frown not seen since they started going through the Stargate reappeared on his face, marking deep grooves in his cheeks.

"Stoic Jaffa, close your mouth or flies will land on your teeth. Make an old woman happy."

Jack called Sam over to him with a quick gesture. She came. "Goa'uld-sensing scientist. Well?"

She glared at Jack. "Gray haired sexy love interest, I haven't had to sense a Goa'uld in years. What makes you think I can still do it?" Jack pinned her with his dark eyes. The doe eyes refocused on his, and she nodded, sighing.

"Are you here to fix my sarcophagus?" asked the previously genderless creature.

Sam reluctantly nodded at Jack and surreptitiously walked around the Laz-E-Boy chair. From behind the chair, she gave a thumbs up.

"It's been on the fritz for ages," the creature complained. "FEET!"

"I'm, er, Daniel Jackson young hunk of SG-1, peaceable interface between the Tau'ri and other races. Who are you?" Daniel slapped his face and lifted his glasses as he rubbed his eyes and temples.

"Not sayin' til my feet get rubbed," the Goa'uld shrewdly bargained.

"You've done worse for Apophis, whispered the stalwart Colonel," said Jack to Teal'c. Teal'cs frown deepened into grand canyons of flesh. "She did ask for you, Teal'c of the Tau'ri."

Teal'c huffed over to the chair, staff weapon close-by and started manipulating the creature's feet.

"Ah, better," it sighed. "I'm Wandjima, creator of Earth, Water, etc etc etc and all that. You getting this, sexy young thing?"

"You still got it, Danny-boy," Jack said in a sotto voice. "Another psycho-chick at the ready. Don't worry, I've got your sex. No no, SIX." he quickly corrected.

"Uh, what's wrong with the sarcophagus, dried up old bag?" asked Sam.

"Yes, Super Scientist Sam might be able to fix it," Daniel said. "She's good at this stuff. You have your laptop with you, science Major?"

Two "oh gods" from the blue eyed blond scientist and one distinct groan from Teal'c told Jack that Daniel's pun had hit home. Damn, he should've thought of that one. But then, he was in cosmic giddy mode, and wasn't expected to be that clever.

"That's good. Be my cabana boy anytime," said Wandjima. She tapped Teal'c's immense shoulder with the stick. "It went on the fritz, like I said, way back...oh let's see...You know Ra?"

"Yeah." "Sure." "Of course." "You betcha."

"Putz said he'd send someone to fix it after he settled some business on some tiny planet in the backend of the universe. Can't remember what it was called. Anyway. Mighty and powerful Ra forgot all about it."

"What's wrong with it, crazy old bat?" Sam asked once again.

"It's the older model Unas Prime 9. Not calibrated for human physiology, not really, but it's close enough." Wandjima sighed as Teal'c hit another tense spot on her foot. "It runs using little thingamajiggies, tiny little healing robots, but they went haywire. Now, they not only don't work right, but they also affect speech centers of the human brain. They're supposed to modify Unas physiology in order to facilitate speech, but..." She shrugged. "It's poetic. But it's been thousands of years, and I'm tired of it. So, can you fix it?"

"Um," said Sam. "Let me whip out my handy laptop and get to work. Sir?"

"And I was just beginning to like this," sighed Jack.

"And one more thing," Wandjima added.

"Another favor, desiccated old crone of a snake?" Jack was really beginning to like this.

"No need to get nasty, thin and petulant leader," zinged the Goa'uld. "I'd like to move to a new planet. Can you help with that?"

Jack blinked. Daniel looked sideways at him after he finished translating. "That is your line of work, isn't it, helpful-to-all-aliens-Daniel?"

"More on that spot, gloriously muscled Jaffa," directed Wandjima. "Oooh, that is perfect." Teal'c growled and glowered. "These people have me locked into their Dreamtime. I've fallen into it and I can't get out. I really AM a mythical figure now, and living up to it is more than I can take. I'm too old for this."

"Err..." Jack and Daniel said simultaneously.

"Hey, we still got it, young friend," said Jack, referring to their synchronicity.

"Sure Jack, my caring older man-friend."

"Got it! I AM the baddest Super Scientist of the SGC," chortled Sam. She flipped the screen over to the others' direction and started talking. "It was really simple, all I had to do was reprogram the condenser and then plug the blahblah blahblah yakkity yak blah blah yak yadda yaddayak --"

She kept explaining, but the sounds went over and through Jack's head. They put Wandjima to sleep, too, for a few minutes, but she woke up when Sam's voice finally ran out of steam. "Then I can get in, get rid of the epithets, blithering technician?" asked Wandjima.

"Er, yes, Yoda-creature. It should also cure anyone else on the planet. The fixed nanocytes should overtake and correct the programming of the --"

Wandjima held up a hand and waved the stick at her. "Enough! Cabana boy, lift me up and put in me in."

Teal'c lifted the tiny creature into the sarcophagus. The cover closed, and a green light clicked on. A short time later, a yellow light turned on. When the sarcophagus finished, a red light blinked, and the cover moved off. A beautiful woman of perfect petite proportions sat up. She had melting brown eyes, lips curved like bow strings. Teal'c mouth dropped open. Wandjima lifted a tiny hand and flipped it closed.

"That's better," she said. "You know, never mind about that second request, Tau'ri. But do you know of any good vacation worlds?"

"Err..." said Jack.

"I was cranky. Being old sucks sometimes."

"Err..."

"Jack should know," agreed Daniel. "Those knees, that hair..."

"Can we go now?" Jack asked. "We did you a favor. If it breaks again, we'll send a tech through to fix it."

Wandjima considered. Then smiled. "Sure. You know, Dreamtime isn't so bad. Could I keep him, though?" She nodded at Teal'c and beamed.

Teal'c looked tempted for a few moments, but then regretfully shook his head. "I cannot stay. There is someone else."

"Then come back anytime you have a free moment, Teal'c of the Tau'ri." She winked at him, and his staff weapon uprighted.

SG-1 said their farewells, Sam packed up her wonder Laptop, and they hiked back to the Stargate.

"Okay," said Jack, before they stepped through. "We met a friendly, we fixed a sarc. No mention of the epithets to General Hammond, compassionate leader of our troops and all-around good guy. Got it?"

"Don't forget 'bald eagle', sir," added Sam.

"Or Aztek when he's got the mad-on," said Daniel.

"Let's just not mention this to the Napoleonic power-monger doctor in the infirmary, shall we?" asked Jack. "She'll poke us six-ways to Sunday."

"Speak for yourself, Jack. You're the only one she --"

"Okay, let's go home, kids." Jack pushed Sam and Daniel through the wormhole and glared Teal'c through. Teal'c raised his staff weapon and smirked.

Jack sighed and followed. Crazy planet. He could think of a few more epithets.

~~Finis~~