Author's Notes: Thanks to everyone who has helped in the compilation of these memos. It's a dirty job but somebody has to do it.

Waiting for Mission Report

To: Daniel Jackson
From: O'Neill -- two l's
Subject: Late Mission Report

Daniel, is your report finished yet? Really, how hard is it to say: "I found some pretty old rocks...they appear to be Meso...Mesopot...Messy"?

Sometime in this millenium would be nice, Daniel!

Col. J

To: Jack O'Neill
From: Daniel Jackson
Subject: Mission Report

Jack,

Um, no, I haven't finished the report yet...The artifacts from P7x-749 have a written script that sprawls across their uniquely smooth surfaces.

I never thought I'd say this, but you're right...according to my research so far, the culture of the planet is Mesopotamian in origin. The script however is NOT from the region that the artifacts are...It's not anything like Hebrew, Aramaic, Persian, Egyptian or Goa'uld even.

I'm going to be at this a while...I need coffee.

D

To: DJ
From: Frustrated Colonel
Subject: How to speed up your archeologist -- without coffee!

So, was THAT your report then?

Tick-tock, tick-tock...

Don't make me come to your office!

J

To: My Colonel
From: Snarky Archeologist
Subject: Whatcha Gonna Do?

No, it wasn't. It was my attempt to explain why I need more time to decipher the stones' message...meaning of life stuff here, Jack!

What are you gonna do?

Irritated & intrigued,
Dr. DJ

To: Pain in the Mik'ta Rock-Boy
From: Your Colonel
Subject: What I'm going to do

Hmmm...what to do, what to do. Oh, I have an idea!

Be afraid, Rock-Boy...be very afraid!

Signed,
Your irritating and intriguing Colonel

To: Pain in the Ass Colonel
From: Man with multiple degrees
Subject: I'm waiting, Colonel

Rock-Boy?! Jack, I'm nearly 40! Isn't it about time people, namely YOU, start seeing me as a grown man?

Oh, bring it on, Jack! I can take it.

Scholarly yours,
Doctor Jackson

To: Major Sam Carter
CC: Dr. Rock-Man
From: Colonel Jack O'Neill
Subject: Excellent report

Major Carter,

Your mission report from P7x-whatever was excellent; very concise, well written, easy to read, and most importantly -- ON TIME!!

If only everyone on SG-1 could submit their reports in a timely fashion, stating the relevant facts of the mission instead of performing continued research and making sweeping rationalizations on "answers of life" stuff, I could be home nursing a beer and watching the NHL!

Oh, and Dr. Rock-"Man"... the answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42. End of story.

Regards,
Your ever patient and understanding Colonel Jack

To: Fly Boy
From: Studious Linguist
Subject: My Reports

My reports are detailed, relevant, and, whenever possible, on time. In the words of Ford Prefect, "Don't panic!"

Where are those pesky babel fish when you need them?

At the moment my brain is fried...I'll be over at your place in an hour. Are the Canucks playin'? I'll wager they can beat the Avalanche by at least 2 goals.

Now, where's my towel?

D -- feeling a bit like Arthur Dent at the moment

To: Dr. Sucker
From: Fly-"Man"
Subject: You are so gonna owe me

You're on! Two goals??! You do know you are so gonna lose this one, don't you?

I'll swing by your office in 10. You better have that report finished when I get there!

Oh, and don't you dare bring it with you to my house unless you want me to use it as kindling for the fire!

J

To: Cocky Colonel
From: Canadian Hockey Fan
Subject: You are so on!!!!

Alright, Jack. It's done...I'll send it to you and meet you topside.

Place your bet, oh Fearless One...

D

To: Naive Canadian Hockey Fan
From: It's me, FCOL!
Subject: Fearless One?

Hmmm...I like that name, "Fearless One"...

And what are you doing reading this email anyway! Better get your mik'ta moving if we're gonna make the start! We can order dinner out.

Oh, and my bet? Avalanche wins, you call me "Colonel" on our next off-world mission the entire time. Canucks win by more than two? Ain't gonna happen but...if it does, I actually read your next mission report!

Regards,
Fearless One

Top 10 Annoying Things about your CO

To: Daniel
From: Sam
Subject: Huh?

Daniel,

What's going on? You calling the colonel...well, "Colonel"?

Did you lose another bet with him? I noticed he kinda had that smirky look on his face the entire mission.

You know, you gotta start being more careful with the bets you take! You using the C word was kind of creepy...for all of us!

Sam