Author's Notes: Thank you to Moonshayde for the initial Beta-run. And thanks to Moonshayde for running the Teal'c Ficathon (see LJ of the same name) and for Jedishadowolf for whom I wrote this story.

Bra'tac's Birthday Bash

(for the Teal'c ficathon put on by Moonshayde. Client: Jedishadowolf)

Requirements:
1.Action-adventure
2.Team
3.Humor

Doesn't Want:
1.Non-con
2.M-preg
3.Fluffy pink bunnies

Many thanks to moonshayde for taking a look at this in the first go-round. Any mistakes are my own.

Summary: Teal'c tries to find the perfect venue for Bra'tac's 142 birthday.

1.
"Where would you suggest, Colonel Mitchell?" Teal'c bellowed his question. The enemy had rudely interrupted their discussion with a thick volley of staff blasts and bolts, and ricocheting bullets from copied submachine guns.

"I don't know Bra'tac at all! What sort of place are you thinking of?" Mitchell aimed and picked off another Lucien Alliance aligned Jaffa hiding behind an Egyptian collonade. Daniel Jackson and Colonel Carter were busy dislodging an Ancient device deep into the crumbled corridor behind them.

"Dignified! Worthy of a warrior and leader of free Jaffa!" Teal'c picked off another Jaffa displaying - he was almost shocked - Apophis' tattoo.

Mitchell aimed a few more well-placed shots. "That's six," he shouted over to Teal'c.

Teal'c picked up a dropped staff weapon and pointed it. A descending fully-loaded transport exploded. Mitchell emerged from his hiding place. "That counts as one!" He held up his pointing finger, then clamped two fists at odd angles on top of his head. "Disneyland?"

Teal'c's mind superimposed Apophis' signet on Colonel Mitchell's fists. He frowned.

Mitchell dropped his hands to his gun and craned his neck, watching for the other two. "Mickey Mouse is not a false god. You know that, right?"

"Your nose drips," said Teal'c.

2.
Doctor Lam checked his pulse before sending him into the MRI machine. "Do you want to stay local?"

"That is not a concern." Teal'c blinked when she withdrew the penlight.

"I always enjoyed small intimate places with candlelight and -"

"This is not a romantic evening out, doctor," he reminded her.

"Oh! Then - how about that bowling place down the main drag? Or there's the charming zoo near here - you know, the one with the friendly giraffes?"

"Master Bra'tac has been to the zoo," Teal'c acknowledged. "He did enjoy the creatures there. But I believe he would be more interested in having one served to him."

Doctor Lam blinked. "Served? As in for dinner?"

"After a suitable hunt, of course. Animals in a pen are not free," he explained. "He prefers wild animals to remain free."

"Oh. Well. Since you don't like that idea, talk to my father." Doctor Lam slapped him on the calf, sending him on his way. "He'd have some good ideas for such macho men as you all."

Teal'c was deep in thought as the machine slid him into the narrow tube for scanning. Bra'tac rolling large heavy balls toward thin sculptured ...things? Perhaps watching others do battle in a ring of jello...?

3.
"Welcome back, Daniel Jackson. Did you enjoy your time in the Land of Light?"

Daniel Jackson flopped down onto the couch in his office. "Oh yeah. More fun than Disneyland."

Teal'c kept his grin to himself. Tuplo really knew how to throw a party, especially when a member of SG-1 visited. His friend looked particularly relaxed, even for a warning junkett. The Land of Light had not been targeted yet by the priors. The SGC was worried about them.

"I am glad you are returned. I am in need of suggestions."

Daniel waved him onto the desk chair.

Teal'c inclined his head and told him of Bra'tac's birthday.

"One hundred forty-two? Time flies." Daniel Jackson thought for a moment. "There's the art museum in Denver. It has a nice restaurant. There's Alice's Restaurant in Ward - remember that one? Mmmm, that tortellini was great. And there was that spa right next door, too."

Teal'c must not have covered his frown up very well.

"Too far?" Daniel Jackson's tongue stuck out for a flash. "There's the Country Club. Maybe Bra'tac would shoot a few rounds of golf?"

"I do not think so, Daniel Jackson," said Teal'c. "He has very accurate aim."

"He'd win too easily?" Daniel Jackson's forehead wrinkled up.

"I do not think the other golfers would appreciate Bra'tac's sense of play." Teal'c sighed. "He prefers moving targets."

4.
When Colonel Carter told him it was a simple mission to gather data from the sky on a thinly wooded planet, he agreed to go. The last few missions with Mitchell had all, without exception, become shooting matches with one enemy or another. He wanted the "break". And besides, he had not spent as much time lately with his friend as he would have liked.

"We're lucky we don't need visual data," yelled Colonel Carter over the loud splattering raindrops colliding with the tent roof. She wiped her dripping hair back from her forehead. "I wish we could get our hands on one of those little Pegasus gateships. It'd make it so much easier to locate these anomalies."

The data gathering device sat in another tent. Sensors strung out along the ground aimed up at the sky. He didn't understand what she was searching for, but he understood the results. More data meant a better chance to defeat the Ori. Colonel Carter suspected there might be an "Achilles' heel" to their powerful ships' engines. His lip curled at the thought of this Achilles. Some warrior HE was, going off and sulking while there was a war going on.

"I need suggestions, Colonel Carter," said Teal'c, and repeated the well-worn request.

Colonel Carter sat back on her cot. "Birthday party? Birthday party..." she said thoughtfully. "For Bra'tac? What does he do for fun?"

Teal'c felt his eyebrow go skyward.

"You know. For relaxation?" Colonel Carter blinked at him. She bit her bottom lip, then broke out into a huge smile. "I know! Splat Master's Paintball Park! Remember that place? The one on Constitution Ave?"

Teal'c sat back in his cot, making it creak. His Master might like a mock battle...but...

"Or what about - what month is his birthday?"

"He was born in the Spring on Chulak One hundred forty-two years ago. I cannot be more precise than that."

Colonel Carter nodded to herself. "I can whip up a program that can estimate the date based on the planetary rotations and -"

"That will not be necessary, Colonel Carter," said Teal'c. "The exact date is immaterial."

"Of course. I was going to say, what about the Philharmonic? They're having an All Mozart concert in May. Would Bra'tac like Mozart?"

"Does this Mozart compose military marches?"

5.
The SF saluted before informing Teal'c that General Landry requested his presence in his office. Once he was through the door (which the SF quietly clicked closed behind him) Landry motioned him to the empty seat in front of the desk.

"Is he there yet? Teal'c, that you?"

"Yes, O'Neill, I am here." He was baffled as to why O'Neill and General Landry called him into the office.

"Good. T, it's come to my attention that Bra'tac's moving on up there in age."

"Yes, that is so," said Teal'c. Bra'tac was always growing older. O'Neill himself was not getting any younger.

"Yeah, well, the old man mentions his vintage so much I figured - his birthday's coming up, isn't it?"

Teal'c turned toward General Landry with eyebrow raised and a slight headtilt.

"Don't look at me," said General Landry. "I didn't know about this. All Jack told me was it was a matter of important diplomatic relations with the Jaffa."

"Teal'c," continued O'Neill, "Take Bra'tac to an Avalanche game. I've still got my season tickets and -"

"O'Neill? Do you not live in another part of the country?"

"Er..."

It was as he thought. O'Neill was trying to drag him to another ice battle. "I thank you, O'Neill for your suggestion." He thought he heard a sigh on the other end.

"I know," said Landry brightly. "What about the Denver football team? Put those pansy hockey players in the locker room where they belong. Bra'tac'll freeze his ass off at the rink anyway."

"Hey!"

As a former First Prime, general among generals, leader of men for a powerful false dead god, Teal'c had long ago learned when to withdraw.

"Thank you, Generals," he said, reaching for the door. "I will consider your suggestions; and I think Bra'tac would not want to cause strife within his allies' ranks."

Landry and O'Neill both stopped for a moment in their sport comparison debate.

"Was that the door?" Teal'c heard O'Neill say just as the door shut.

"No, Jack, it was the sound of a hockey puck hitting that thick skull of yours!"

Landry was incorrect, Teal'c grinned wickedly. It was more the sound of O'Neill's head hitting the edge of a ring of jello while doing battle.

6.
Cassandra was back for a short visit during a break from her schooling. It had taken some hoops and cutting through red tape (the metaphors the Tau'ri used boggled him still, after ten years, and still perplexed Cassandra sometimes, too) but after several years of never seeing her home, the SGC now allowed the way to Hanka. Dr. Lam established that the virus was dormant, although she insisted on Cassandra wearing a hazmat suit when she got there. The Odyssey made a quick side-trip from a short test-flight to drop them off.

Cassandra was accompanied by an orange suited honor guard of SG-1.

They walked along the road, now overgrown with weeds and wild crop plants, toward the small village where she had been born and grown up until the age of ten.

Teal'c was relieved to see that most of the bodies from Nirrti's plague were gone. General Hammond insisted that the people they had known on Hanka be given proper burial according to what was known about their beliefs. Nirrti was long gone by then.

They approached the desolate observatory.

"My home is further on," said Cassandra. "Would you mind if I went on alone? I'll be back in time for the return trip, don't worry."

Teal'c nodded. They all did. Colonel Carter dove into the Observatory to check on the equipment there. It had been repaired after Nirrti lost her life to one of her human experiments. It was a rare chance to collect the data.

Mitchell and Daniel Jackson stood outside with him. Mitchell was uncharacteristically quiet.

"So," he finally said. "You all found Cassandra all by herself here. Everyone was dead." He held his weapon tighter against his side. "I can't imagine much worse happening to a kid."

Teal'c saw Daniel Jackson turn away after a moment, then walk around to the other side of the observatory.

"Yes," Teal'c agreed. "It was a traumatic event. But Cassandra has not let the death of her family and village dictate her life."

He mournfully included Janet Fraiser in Cassandra's litany of dead family. Mitchell paced out to the road and then back twice. He was like a child who had never learned the art of stillness. That sparked a memory, and, amidst the silence of a dead planet, he grinned.

"I have decided, Colonel Mitchell, that Disneyland is not the correct venue for Master Bra'tac's birthday celebration. However, I am reminded of another place that we took Cassandra to once she healed and needed cheering up."

Mitchell stopped pacing. "Really? Where?"

Cassandra's orange hazmat suited form appeared from behind the observatory, accompanied by Daniel Jackson. His arm was around her shoulder.

"That place?" she said, delighted. "That place? Am I invited? I've never met Master Bra'tac, Teal'c. It would be so great!"

Colonel Carter exited the observatory hefting an external drive in a zippered bag. "Oh, Teal'c.... Please...no."

"Where? What place?" Mitchell swung around to get a good look at them past the annoying Plexiglas face guards.

Teal'c switched his radio off. He did not want to blast their ears with his booming rolling laughter.

7.
"Teal'c!" Bra'tac slapped Teal'c on the shoulder. "It is everything you said it would be. Plenty of games, many happy children. It is a fitting place for a warrior of my advanced age."

Teal'c smiled smugly at the bewildered faces of his friends. Ryac, on the other hand, hugged his wife's shoulders tightly and looked around with fascination.

A large gray mouse wearing a baseball cap danced past, followed by a gaggle of giggling children.

"I never knew the Pied Piper was a giant rat," said Daniel Jackson. The small bottle of wine in his hands was nearly bottomed out.

Colonel Carter elbowed him. One of the uniformed workers - the guy roaming the floor fixing broken games - chuckled as he walked past. Colonel Carter took off and started asking him about the simple mechanisms. He was "her type" thought Teal'c. She caught his eye and winked.

Cassandra joined Bra'tac in the Chulakan conga line. Mitchell headed to the counter with a sheaf of green in his hand from Daniel Jackson (and his own) and wove past crowds of children and dazed parents to the counter.

Teal'c joined Bra'tac for a picture at the child-sized red car.

Then Ryac and his wife joined them for a family picture - and then everyone crowded around, feeding coins into the camera.

When the cake arrived (chocolate, naturally) everyone gathered 'round as Bra'tac blew his sixteen candles out with suitable triumph. A large crowd of children cheered. Teal'c ordered another, larger cake.

Mitchell leaned over to Teal'c and loudly whispered in his ear, "What happened to warrior dignity? What happened to Disneyland, man?"

Teal'c's lips curved upward. "Every warrior needs to remember why he fights, why he lives to fight another day. And I do not like Mickey Mouse."

Bra'tac and Colonel Carter were now riding imitation jet-skis on a computer course. Cassandra and Daniel Jackson were handing out squares of cake to the growing mob of children. He distributed coin tokens to all and watched as Mitchell played a giant wide screen Star Wars game.

Yes, this was a perfect birthday party for Bra'tac.

05/04/06
Revised 05/05/06
Revised 05/07/06